DIVORCE

I didn’t expect to lose friends during my divorce. How naive is that?

But, I really didn’t. My soon-to-be ex-husband is not very social, so we didn’t hang out with other couples. I didn’t feel like my divorce was going to be earth shattering information to anyone, so why would it affect my friendships?

BECAUSE IT CHANGED ME.

My divorce has been rocky. It’s been messy. It’s been ugly, hurtful, vicious, and dramatic. There are days when I roll up to preschool drop off (late) in tears and days when I’m (late) giggling and seemingly fine.

DIVORCE TAKES YOU ON A ROLLERCOASTER. 

There are friendships that can withstand someone navigating a major life shift, and there are friendships that cannot. I didn’t know this. And up until now, I took it personally. It would hurt my feelings when I felt like friends were judging me, or just “not getting it”. Now, I realize, not everyone has to get what you’re going through. And not everyone is going to get it. That has to be okay. Some friends feel uncomfortable when they feel like they cannot help the situation, they are not comfortable being a bystander. And some friends are there to be in your life for a certain period of time- not forever- and that’s okay, too. 

And then there’s the change that has occurred within me, that has also had an effect on my friendships. And I can’t quite speak to it specifically, because I’m still going through it, but I am a little different. 

I have less room for nonsense.

I am sharing my feelings (good and bad) more openly.

I am determined to be happy.

I am determined to be successful.

I am a lot less passive. 

I am putting myself first. 

That last one strikes a nerve with a lot of other parents. We are conditioned to believe that our children need to come first. My children have, and always will, be a top priority for me. However, if I am a shell of myself, then I cannot be the mother they deserve to have. I am still navigating this process and still learning how to take care of myself, while also taking care of them (emotionally speaking...don’t worry, they’re eating plenty of chicken nuggets). But I know that some of my mom friends, who are not going through a divorce, and haven’t had the pleasure of going through one yet, have a hard time understanding what it’s like. They have a hard time understanding what it would be like to feel trapped in a bad marriage. To feel unsupported, unloved, unattractive, unwanted, criticized, and controlled. 

And it’s not that I want my friends to have experienced something this horrific. Of course not. At the same time, divorce can feel isolating. I have days where I think to myself, “This is my fucking life now? Am I a character in a bad Lifetime movie?” It’s hard not to judge myself and my situation. Just like I’m sure it’s hard for a lot of my friends, who are watching this mini series unfold (a lot of it, public, given my social media presence) not wonder, “What the hell is going on with Andrea?” 

Your girl, Andrea, is going to be just fine. She’s going to come out of this thing stronger, happier, more confident, and maybe even thinner (thanks to Weight Watchers and the divorce diet). 

If you have a friend who’s navigating something tricky, be patient with them. They might not return your phone calls or text messages for awhile, it doesn’t mean that they don’t care.  Speaking of, I have, like four people I need to call back… (yes, I’m a caller... and I’m NAILING IMPERFECTION, deal with it).

— ANDREA.